Dear Blog Readers,
Today we hear from Reanna, a girl who feels trapped and untethered during the 2 week school holiday for other people’s celebrations. She is brave to share her story. My hope for Reanna, and for all my readers who know they need help, to find that small voice inside that wants to reach out and say the difficult 3 words; I need help. Thank you for sharing this Reanna. We’re behind you every step of the way.
Be kind to yourself and be sure to nourish your body, mind, and the parts inside of you than need to be healed
Your blog moderator,
Kira
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I don’t celebrate Christmas. Being home for two weeks feels really long but every day’s kinda the same and I wake up and don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself but my parents are always around so it feels like there’s no space at all. School isn’t my favourite thing but at least the day moves and I’m not just sitting in my house being noticed all the time but now there’s just time and more time and it feels heavy. Most of my friends are busy with Christmas stuff and family things and parties but they’re not really free and I’m just at home scrolling and sitting and going back to the kitchen again.
I keep thinking about how Diwali wasn’t like this but that’s because we don’t get two weeks off for Diwali so it’s busy but it’s short and then it’s over and everything moves again. During Diwali there are things to do every day even with school still happening but it’s cleaning and cooking and lighting diyas and going to people’s houses and people coming over and my mom always needs help with something. It’s tiring but it’s not empty but now it’s two whole weeks and nothing’s planned and it feels way longer than Diwali ever does.
In my house food is always part of everything but it always has been. There’s roti and rice and dal and sabzi and fruit on the counter but my mom makes chai in the morning and again later and everyone’s expected to sit together. Sometimes we pray first but my parents talk about how food’s important and how it’s part of our culture and family and I know that but the problem is they talk about how I eat all the time and they talk about my body like it’s something they need to check on. They ask if I’m hungry but then why I’m not hungry but then if I ate enough but then why I’m eating that and they say it like they’re worried but it makes everything worse because I can’t even say anything back.
After a while my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore but it feels like it’s something everyone’s watching and talking about. I feel weird sitting at the table but I don’t know where to look and I can’t relax even though we’re just eating but I answer with one word and I nod and I try to leave as soon as I can but then they notice that too. It feels like there’s no right way to be but everything I do is wrong somehow.
Sometimes I wonder if people who celebrate Christmas feel like this too but maybe they’re busy every day the way Diwali is busy and there’s always something happening so there’s no space for this feeling to grow. I wonder if all the plans and decorations and visiting make it easier but maybe they feel stuck too and just don’t talk about it. I don’t know but I just know that Christmas break feels really long to me and Diwali never does.
There’s too much time to think now but my thoughts don’t slow down and once they start it feels like they just keep going but I don’t feel like I’m choosing anything anymore. It feels sudden and out of control but also like it’s already happening before I even realize it. The more my parents ask questions the quieter I get but I don’t explain and I don’t want another conversation where I have to sit there and feel looked at.
By the end of the break I feel tired and stuck but I love my family and our traditions and the food and praying together but I hate feeling like my body isn’t mine. I miss school even though I don’t really like it but I miss having somewhere else to be. I know I need help but I don’t know what to say but I don’t know how to answer.