Empty Self

To ponder: How to know when being determined crosses the line and becomes desperate. I personally have crossed that line far too many times. Not only have I crossed the line, I’ve dotted the i, and crossed the t. In my newest incarnation I am trying to check in with my body, and with my ‘knowing’ self, then keep checking in until I feel in alignment with my body and my truth.

Once I begin to notice subtle changes in my breathing pattern, right before I move into full blown panic mode, I know I’ve begun to chase that ever elusive ‘thing’, be it person, place or object, that I’m convinced will bring me peace/love/security and save me from my darkness.

Ironic isn’t it, that the chasing of my desires, brings me back to the place I most don’t want to even touch, but now must live, even for a few brief minutes. 

This place I’ve named my ‘empty self’, because it’s a deep destination inside of me that will never ever be sated, as the nature of my emptiness is perennial. I just have to sit and be with with her, (I’ve named her Henrietta) giving her what she needs instead of what she wants, and most importantly, just being with her in her deepest despair. I see you Henrietta. You are not alone anymore.