Dear Blog Readers,
A facilitator at Sheena’s Place once said, a trigger is a wound that hasn’t healed. That image has stayed with me for many, many years. When I am feeling anxious, sad, afraid, angry, or hurt, I ask myself what happened and what it might have reminded me of. That stranger who commented on my shoes. Why did it upset me? Is it from when I was young and the neighbourhood kids teased me about my red jelly shoes by calling them orange? Is that the reason a stranger can hurt my feelings over a pair of shoes? Looking for the place inside me that needs to be healed allows me to take a step back from a situation in the present and examine the past and know what I need to heal. This week, E.H. discusses a trigger that has come up recently.
What place inside of you is a wound that hasn’t healed?
Be kind to yourself, and be sure to nourish your body, mind, and spirit.
Your Blog Moderator,
Kira
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I heard the host from my bedroom on the TV that was too loud. I knew that was her voice. I haven’t seen or thought about that show in years. I stopped watching it when I started recovery. It wasn’t a good show to watch. It made me feel bad about myself. It made me make bad choices for myself. When I heard her voice I felt good. I have been in recovery for almost a year. Things that used to bother me don’t bother me anymore. I went into the living room and I told my boyfriend to leave the show on. He turned it off but I insisted that I was okay now and there was no reason to turn it off. I went about my day with the sounds of that show in the background. I was half paying attention but I was busy doing so many things that I didn’t think about what it might make me feel like to hear the contestants talking and doing what they were told. It wasn’t until hours later that I started to think bad things about myself and about my body. My mind had so many mean thoughts. That inner critic said I was stupid. I figured there was no point to recovery if the inner critic was saying the same mean things he had always said. I instantly felt like I did a year ago and I relapsed. It happened so quickly. And once I started there was no reason to stop. Why bother. I already relapsed. I might as well keep going. That was a few weeks ago. Today I woke up and decided that it was time to stop. How could I stop when it’s all come back to me? What’s the point. I am just as fine today as I was yesterday. But something in my head told me to stop and think. I remembered a group member in a support group once saying that it isn’t a relapse because you can’t go backwards. She called it a lapse. At the time I thought it was brilliant and then I just forgot about it. But I remembered it today. Now I want to get back on track and pick up where I left off in my recovery. I told my boyfriend that I can’t watch that show anymore. First he was rude because we had watched it together for a few weeks now. Then he said that he understood and he said he will watch it by himself when I am out. I feel good about that. I’m glad I said something.