Dear Blog Readers,
These last few months and the months ahead of me, include many changes; most of them are not by choice and not anything I am looking forward to. Before recovery, that would mean I would turn to symptoms to prevent myself from experiencing the emotions around the changes. I would numb myself by engaging in all sorts of behaviours.
Because of recovery, instead of turning to engaging in the temporary relief of behaviours, I’m struggling to sit in these feelings. To sit in the fear of change. The fear of the unknown.
I’m not going to lie to you and say change is exciting, or that I’m looking forward to all the could things that *could* come from such enormous changes.
What I will tell you is that through this process I am choosing me. I am focusing on each day and the gratitude I have for each moment of joy and beauty I choose to see in my day. I choose me over the eating disorder. I choose me over numbing. I choose to feel these feelings and to sit in the discomfort. Because “beginning today, after decades of abasement, i claim myself. i choose myself” – k.a.l
Be kind to yourself and remember to nourish your body, mind, and spirit.
Your moderator,
Kira
learning how
to stop
blowing up
my life
from
the inside
out
has been a
challenge
for me
beginning with
my arrival,
no body
there
to soften
my fall
so i
fell head
first
into food,
always looking
for comfort
always
looking for faster
and faster
ways
to stop feeling
so much
pain.
i knew
that marrying
him
was a sin
against
myself but i,
so desperate
for a tribe
of little me’s
and
my family’s
“yes!”
failed to hear
my tiny timorous
voice that said
“no no no.”
beginning today,
after decades
of abasement,
i claim myself.
i choose myself
over the pain,
over the food,
over the disenchantment,
over the chaos.
finally, after what
feels like
five lifetimes,
i say yes
to my own life,
one breath
at a time.