Dear Blog Readers,
This one is quiet and brave in equal measure. It is a letter that took courage to write because it required a mother to look honestly at herself for the sake of her child.
We think a lot of parents in our community will recognise something of themselves here.
Be kind to yourself and remember to nourish your body, mind, and that place inside you that makes you who you are.
Your blog moderator, Kira
For You, When You Are Older
Dear Love,
You are seven. Right now you are in the other room arguing with your younger brother about whether or not he can have some of your candy. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to say this.
I have a complicated relationship with food. I have had it for a long time, long before you were born. When I found out about you is when I told my doctor. I wanted you to have the best start at life and to do that I needed help. I wanted to give you all of myself and the best of myself. I’m not going to lie to you, love, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
What I am afraid of is you.
Not you, you. You are perfect. You are wonderful. You are what saved my life.
I am afraid of the thing I carry and whether you can see it even when I am trying to hide it. Children see more than we think they do. You especially. You have always watched me closely and I love that about you and it also scares me.
I don’t want you to learn from me that food is something to be afraid of. I don’t want you to grow up thinking that your body is a problem to be managed. I don’t want you to sit at a table someday and feel what I have felt at tables.
When you are hungry I want you to eat with gusto and be satisfied and move on with your day and not give it another thought.
I am not there yet myself. I want to be honest with you about that even though you are too young to read this yet.
I am getting help. I found a place where people understand this and I go there and I talk about it and it is hard and it is also the most important thing I have done in a long time. I am doing it partly for me and mostly because of you.
When you are old enough to read this I hope things look different. I hope we have eaten a lot of meals together and that they were good and easy and full of talking about other things besides our bodies and our diets. I hope I have shown you something worth inheriting. I hope you love your body exactly the way it is. I hope you embrace every curve and stretch line. I want more than anything for you to be at ease in your body.
You deserve that. You deserve all of it.
I love you so much that there are no words to describe how that feels.
Mom